Andy

Health Care FAQ

There has been a great deal of debate about the health care bill recently signed by the President. Over the past months it has been difficult to ferret out the truth amidst all the political maneuvering. As a conscientious citizen, I have taken the liberty of compiling a list of five commonly asked questions that should help you understand our new law more fully, and have researched the answers exhaustively, using cable news programs as my primary sources.

I learned during my search for truth that there are in fact two independent and totally factual realities in America, so as an upstanding citizen I have supplied the answers to these questions for both liberals (first, in blue) and conservatives (second, in red). You can thank me later.

1. Q) What will happen to my current health care coverage under the new system?

   A (L) Your current coverage will not change unless you are unhappy with it. In the latter case, it will change to meet your personal specifications at no additional charge. Up to two private nurses will be provided per person, free of charge, to deal with your personal needs.

   A (C) Your current coverage will be canceled and given to illegal immigrants. In addition, wild dogs may be sent to your house to attack you. Any injuries incurred by wild dogs must be paid out of pocket.

2. Q) How will we pay for the new health care bill?

   A (L) Since the new plan provides greatly increased care for no additional money, there is no need to worry about this issue. In the highly unlikely case that costs to the government are incurred at some point, small tax increases will be applied only to people you do not personally like. In addition, wild dogs may be dispatched to attack those people at no additional cost to you.

   A (C) Your taxes will be increased to 95% of your current income. A small, government planned packet of food will arrive in the mail once per week based on the number of members in your family. Each packet will include one frozen vegetable, one grain or potato, and one serving of protein not to exceed 4 oz per person over the age of 18.

3. Q) Does the health care bill have support from the medical community?

   A (L) Yes. Everyone will be covered under the current plan. As a result, medical professionals of all types will be able to afford to focus on curing all known diseases, including the raising of the dead, who also receive health care coverage under this legislation. Doctors will flock to the US to take advantage of this groundbreaking opportunity.

   A (C) No. Due to the lack of competition created by the new legislation, doctors will be forced to treat only themselves or members of Congress to avoid massive financial losses. Any treatment you receive must be paid out of pocket and is subject to government taxation. As a result, most doctors and other health care professionals will be forced to relocate to other countries in order to survive.

4. Q) How will the insurance companies be regulated?

   A (L) Reasonable rules will be put in place to ensure that you, the consumer, have full control of all elements of your plan, from its inception until your "post-life". (This term has been created to label deceased Americans who qualify for health care coverage. In the event that your doctor is able to raise you from the dead, all charges incurred will be payed for in full by your insurance provider.) Since all health care companies have unlimited financial resources, all regulatory costs will be incurred by those companies at no risk.

   A (C) Unnecessary government regulations will instantly bankrupt all insurance companies, transferring the costs to you, the consumer, and forcing the government to assume full control of all health care payments in perpetuity. Once the US government is bankrupted, wild dogs will roam the streets, attacking innocent civilians with no health care coverage.

5. Q) How will the new plan affect senior citizens?

   A (L) As with everyone else, all seniors will be fully covered under the new plan. Those with serious medical conditions will be supplied a personal doctor equipped with a research team to find solutions. Should your personal doctoral research team be unable to cure your particular ailments, your post-life insurance coverage will allow your team to resurrect you once the technology becomes available. Your personal team will remain attached to your case throughout the entire process.

   A (C) The sweeping changes to healthcare include cuts to medicare in order to implement juries that will determine whether you live or die. As such, those who survive the death panel gauntlet will have no coverage, possibly leaving them open to attack by wild dogs. Those who are voted down in death panels will be euthanized, costing you, the taxpayer, billions, and using up millions of acres of valuable real estate for unmarked graves.